Pat vs. Kepley: Monitor Wars

Monitor Wars

The Rules:

• A topic will be chosen and the battle will begin.
• No one is allowed fact. Your only weapon is opinion.
• Two dads enter, one dad leaves.
• We are not experts. (That’s not really a rule, but it needs to be said.)

Installment 1: Monitor Wars

Since the beginning of time, parents have debated over the use or non-use of baby monitors…

cookieI love my video monitor!  It frees me up to do so much more around the house.



kepley bless your heartVideo monitors are stupid.  It’s an advanced way to hover over your children.  At some point in time you have to move them on from the bottle.  You cannot break away from that parent-hovering nipple unless you peel your eyes off of that screen.



whaaaaaFirst of all, this has nothing to do with nipples. Second, it’s not about hovering;  it’s about reassurance. I want to know if the cry is a sleepy, “don’t worry father, I’m still asleep” cry, or if it’s a “What the hell?! Where are you people!?!” cry.



kepley magic dolphins

So your son has a magical dolphin cry that you can see in your video screen. Let me reassure you that every time you glare at your monitor you are keeping him from going to sleep on his own. Let him cry. If he really needs you, you won’t need a monitor. Do the dolphin cries come with shooting stars and dreams?



objection Objection! Irrelevant! Allow me to explain the concept of a video monitor. Using said video monitor allows the supervising adult to see the area in and around the baby crib. In layman’s terms, there is a camera that broadcasts a real-time video of an area that the camera is pointed at. There are no apps that go with said video monitor to bedazzle the picture with “shooting stars and dreams.” Furthermore, although one may speak to the child through said monitor, the child has no clue that anyone is watching them like big brother and keeping them from going to sleep on their own. Thus, the use of a video monitor bears no relevance to the child getting to sleep or that dumb dolphin face you’re making.


kepley skepticalPat you ignorant slut. This kid is sleepwalking all over you!!!  I keep a monitor around just for when I go outside. No more monitor at night.  I hear every bump and turn my kid makes.  I end up rewarding my kid for not going to sleep AND am woken up for nothing. Yeah! No sleep!!! Your son is almost one year old, it’s time for him to grow up.



mad as hellI’M MAD AS HELL AND I’M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE!! Ok, ok, here’s the thing. Just because a video monitor has video, doesn’t mean that you HAVE to use the video. You can use the sound only. Granted, when he makes a move, one of us typically grabs the monitor, flips on the video to see what funny, cute, adorable position he’s laying in now. However, I will give you this… At night, it can wake you up. I have learned to turn the sound completely off at night. On the other hand, your argument of rewards and no sleep implies that we run frantically to his room and throw open the door every time he makes a sound. It’s reassuring for us to see him crying but perfectly fine. That little dude needs to fall asleep already!


cross examine Allow me to cross examine: When your first born graduated to his own room, what did you and your wife do while the baby cried himself to sleep? Did you stand by the door, hand on the doorknob, wondering what he was doing and if he was thrashing around and needed his parents to come save him?



kepley duh

No we used a monitor, duh.



never liked you…I never liked you.


**if you haven’t realized we’re not experts by now, it’s your own fault.**

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